Angry No More

Every single one of us has a journey to take in this life. We all have a story, and I am no different. As I live on this Earth I hope to grow well and learn from my mistakes and move past them. I have witnessed first hand what can happen to a person when they can't move past what has happened to them in the past. I have always purposed to live my life this way but at some point along the line I lost my way. I became a prisoner to the traumatic events of my life. Things where not going in the way I thought that they would. I started to hate myself and I felt like a failure. It seemed that everything I touched turned bad. In my eyes nothing that I really wanted was within my reach. I could see all the things I wanted to achieve but I could not grasp them. As time went by little by little I began to lose hope. Bitterness to God himself was growing. I wanted to prove that I was more than the girl who got pregnant in High School. It was hard watching my friends go on to have great lives while I was back here living with the regret of putting my hope in a man who didn't love anyone but himself. The sad thing is that I made that mistake many times after that. By the time my Paisley came into my life I found myself attending church. I thought that Jesus was a fictional character like superman that some writer made up to sell books. But in time I found that He is real and I embraced him into my broken life. I thought that everything would just come together but I still had to go through many things that were for me devastating. It seemed that a happy ending was not in the cards for me. When my marriage collapsed I in a way married my job but my job rejected me too. Things were hard even at church. A lot of people had a problem with me and it was clear that I annoyed them. To me it added up to FAILURE at home, FAILURE at marriage, FAILURE at work, FAILURE at church. I began to get angry on the inside. Why....Why....Why....I couldn't understand why. What did I do, I kept repenting over and over again because I thought that maybe I was being punished. It seemed that even when people looked at me there was disappointment in their eyes. As though they were saying WHAT A WASTE. I didn't even realize until recently that I was angry at God. I was offended at Him because I couldn't understand why he left me out here suffering. When I was a little girl I was hurt throughout my childhood, and the one I thought should protect me didn't. It was like history repeating itself. What I didn't understand was that although God allowed these things to happen to me, he was there giving me the STRENTGH to endure it. EVEN WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL HE WAS THERE. I felt compelled to share this because I know what it is to hurt and find no relief but there is a BALM IN GILEAD. I don't think that people share often enough in the body of Christ what they have gone through and how they got over. Let me tell you that JESUS IS LORD. He can and He will supply all of your needs. I am not just talking about materials and finances, I am talking about those things that matter the most. I thought that I had lost my mind, and you know what,,,, I did but when I was down and out and trying to find relief from my pain in food, books, movies, my computer or whatever, He was right there. He never left me or forsook me, but at times in your life God will seem to be far away. But allow the Holy Spirit to remind you that He is ever there by your side. Please know that you are not doing yourself any favors by not telling God how you're feeling. He already knows so you mind as well tell Him. I realize that if I had not gone through these things I would not be who I am today. I watched my brother go from being healthy and muscular and vibrant to a shell of a man. Nevertheless, although he has suffered so much he kept a positive attitude. He was being the protector that He always is with His family. I have spent enough time with my brother to know that He it was getting to Him. As the Lord had me minister to my wonderful brother, I began to realize that I was also ministering to myself. “Praise the Lord”. As I was praying for my dear brother God was also healing me. I had some nice moments in the Lord with my brother. I can't really explain it. I wish that I could. Be encouraged. You here people say all the time that no matter what you are going through it will be alright. Let me tell you that it will be if you put your trust in God. trust him even if you don't understand what's going on. 

Psalm 63:1-4 (The Message) 
1 God—you're my God! I can't get enough of you! 
I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God, 
traveling across dry and weary deserts. 

2-4 So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, 
drinking in your strength and glory. 
In your generous love I am really living at last! 
My lips brim praises like fountains. 
I bless you every time I take a breath; 
My arms wave like banners of praise to you.